Like many thing in life I’ve come to realize it’s a cycle. It’s my “bad news cycle”, at least that’s what I like to call it. We fall into cycles every day as simple as our daily routines and relationships to the way we spend our entire year. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, repeat. New Years, Fourth of July, Christmas, repeat. I’ve gone through the steps of my “bad news cycle” so many times that it’s starting to feel as common as my wake up, make bed, run errands, shower, watch tv, go to sleep routine that I cycle through daily…. But this time around it feels so different.
As I slowly approach my “I’m so depressed I refuse to leave my bed and if you try to talk to me I’ll cry at your first word because some how I found away to relate whatever your saying to cancer and death even something as simple as “hi chloe” step in this cycle it feels so much more different. It feels deeper, steeper, more dominant. It literally feels like the Grand Canyon carving it’s way through my chest…. One big mountain side that I’ll never climb and get out of. Every time I feel this way and every time I prove myself wrong. Every Time I predict this is it, it CANNOT get worse than this. No way no how and every time I come out a better person. I learn more about myself and what I’m capable of overcoming. So as I slip into my sad step in this cycle that’s become a part of my life and I feel like this is truly it and my heart could not hurt anymore than it does, as I type this I laugh at myself because I know I will never be the type of person to give up and succumb to some cycle forced into my life involuntarily. It may not be tomorrow, or next week or next month. I might feel heartbroken for awhile but I know soon enough I will get out of this bed and genuinely laugh with my friends again instead of the fake laughs I displayed last night so many times. If you ever EVER feel like giving up over anything just remember your mind and your body are capable of so much more than you could ever imagine when truly tested. Have willpower, see the light at the end of the tunnel no matter how dim. Do NOT give up. Obstacles are only obstacles at the end of the day. If I can eventually get out of this bed time and time again then you can do whatever it is testing you in this life. It’s a cycle and no step in any cycle is ever lingered upon too long.